Omar’s snoopy tweet sends 007 flying into a tizzy.

Ex Chief Minister of Jammu & Kashmir, Omar Abdullah’s late in the day tweet, busting CM-in-the-waiting, Mehbooba Mufti and her chuddy-buddy Ram Madhav’s clandestine rendezvous at the former’s tony Fairview residence, has got many birds chirping about Omar Abdullah’s prowess as a dashing spy who can give that two-bit James a run for his money and bond better with his lady sidekicks than 007 himself could ever imagine.

Picking up the cue from the Telegraph’s roving editor, Sankarshan Thakur’s report that broke the story of Omar’s escapades as a sensational spy who blew this hush hush cover up with nothing but a plain vanilla flight tracker app, top intelligence bosses have activated their moles to recruit this self-styled sleuth who has a penchant for snazzy cars, smart phones and snug chalets for obvious reasons.

Corroborating the sensation drummed up by his boss’s itchy fingers, Omar’s mail boy, Junaid Mattu confirmed to this cub that gupkar@gmail.com is being flooded with offers pouring in from the top intelligence agencies like MI6, MOSSAD, CIA, and KGB as well as from the top Hollywood studio, which owns the James Bond franchise.

Confirming the grapevine, Hollywood trade magazine, Variety’s Film Editor, Claudia Eller is said to be planning a centre spread on this new wunderkind on the block, sending the A listers of Beverley Hills into a tizzy particularly a certain Mr Daniel who has been caught scouting job postings on Craiglist.

Commenting on his son’s new found snoopy skills Farooq Abdullah said that at last Omar has found his true calling after he burnt his fingers as a pancake tosser in his previous vocation, and almost lost his shirt in the last elections. Brushing aside any speculations that Omar might take the bait of the secret services, Farooq Abdullah, couldn’t contain his excitement about gobbling up the potential deals lined up with the Hollywood honchos. He made it very clear though that Omar’ signing the dotted line will have a rider that Papa will get to twist to his heart’s content with the sexy sirens first.

Downplaying Omar’s shenanigans and calling it all a media fabricated hoopla, BJP’s general secretary, Ram Madhav tried to clear the air about his late evening flight to Srinagar. “I was supposed to take a normal flight from New Delhi to Srinagar, but due to student protests on the roads I had to stay back with Ms Smriti Irani and catch up on the missed episodes of Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi,” he said. “By the time the roads were cleared up in New Delhi, I had no other option but to hitch a chartered flight, booked by some penny pinching Srinagar bound baniyas, at the last moment. They charged me the airfare that I could have used to fly along with my missus to UAE for her annual Dubai shopping festival frenzy,” he sighed.

Explaining the absence of security detail and the black SUV that he was spotted in along with another person wearing a scarf, Madhav revealed that since he was already late for the meeting he did not want to waste more time waiting for security paraphernalia, and booked a pre-paid taxi from inside the airport terminal itself. “The guy behind the counter booked an SUV instead of a normal cab since I gave him the Gupkar address. These airport taxiwallahs, I tell you, loot the tourists here,” he jeered.

About the enigma created around the man with a scarf, Madhav disclosed that while traversing on the stretch from the airport terminal to the main entrance, a distraught man wearing a scarf started flailing his arms asking for a lift. “Since, I had gone through the same painful experience a few hours back, I took pity on the wretched man and asked the driver to pick him up. As soon as he settled in the back seat of the SUV, his trademark scraf and cheap rimless spectacles gave his identity away. I was in shock for a moment, when I found out the bugger in the back seat is no other than Delhi’s famous muffler man, Arvind Kejriwal,” Madhav’s jaw dropped in amazement.

“I asked him what the heck are you doing here at this hour, he explained that since JNU students are beating him in his own game and that too on his home turf, it’s better to save some face and sneak into Kashmir as a hippie backpacker. Since he had nowhere to go, I took him along with me to the erstwhile Papa2 so that I could show him who the real Papa of politics here is,” Madhav bared it all.

“Omar’s price catch turned out to be nothing but a damp squib. Hope this botch up doesn’t dash his hopes of trying his lady luck in the Hollywood though,” quipped PDP’s youth president, Wahid Para.

However, this entire fiasco has been pooh-poohed by the old hawks of Kashmir’s political circles as Omar’s childhood fetish of kite flying, which he often used to lose to his neighborhood opponents, a little birdie tweeted.

Published by Greater Kashmir

©Harf’e Zaraf 2016. Unauthorized use and /or duplication of the writings without express and written permission from this site’s author and owner is strictly prohibited.

A pithy riposte to a pathetic polemic

Dear Mr Pandita,

Your opinion piece in the digital daily Scroll piqued my interest just for the fact that how hatred can consume a person to the core and render him nothing but a soulless twat. Who else will get worked up by a selfless act of unassuming villagers, who took it upon themselves to facilitate the last journey of their elderly neighbour, who happened to be a Pandit.

You got irked when PTI reported this ‘heart-warming’ story, which was later picked up by the Indian Express, and the bile inside you gushed forth. You started contorting facts to suit your convoluted narrative. Let’s go by your flow of events and try to put things in right perspective.

In the very first paragraph, you began by stating that the deceased Janki Nath had already retired as a government employee in the early 1990s by the time other members of his community were abandoning Malvan. That he bundled off his only daughter to the safer climes of Jammu, and chose to stay back along with his wife. In the very second paragraph you contradicted yourself saying that most of the Pandit families who chose to stay back didn’t had any member with a salaried job and depended on agriculture for sustenance and Janki Nath was among them.

Well, one doesn’t need to be a Yale fellow to deduce that Janki Nath was already drawing pension after he retired from his government job. As an elderly person he didn’t need to plow the fields and put himself and his wife’s life at stake rather than joining his only daughter and not putting her at the mercy of others. May his soul be placed in the highest echelons of viakunth, what kind of a father and husband are you trying to portray him as?

What actually has irritated the hell out of you is the fact that both the communities have no love lost between them and that makes you writhe with hatred. And it blinded you to the point that while numbering and naming the other members of the Pandit community, who were called by the Muslim neighbours from the nearby villages to take care of the nitty-gritty of the last rites of Janki Nath, you conveniently forgot to mention the absence of his only daughter and son-in-law when he needed them the most.

And this very inconvenient truth made Janki Nath’s death newsworthy. An elderly Pandit couple who were literally abandoned by their next of kin were taken care of, like family, by their Muslim neighbours in a remote village on the edge of a forest for the last 26 years. Where were you and the likes of yours when Janki Nath was convalescing for the last five years, and needed continuous care throughout the day and night.

May be you didn’t deem it fit to leave the hallowed halls of Yale and take some time out of your busy World Fellowship and spend a few days with the forlorn soul of an abandoned community member that you so vehemently try to represent. Now that opportunity is gone, may be you can still try to redeem your wretched conscience by convincing the listless, Raniji, to leave this godforsaken Vale. I hope you are aware that she has chosen to stay back, much to your chagrin, even when there is seemingly nothing left here for her.

It’s not your moon but your brain that has got blood clots. It becomes apparent when you get impishly condescending and start spewing diktats like ‘stop engaging with us’. There is no “us” here. You can speak for yourself, not for the Pandit community. The community has not given you any mandate to represent them. And please stop assuming that by writing tosh you have earned the privilege of speaking on their behalf. Well, you can have your opinion. Opinions are like bungholes, everyone has got one. And yours, Mr Pandita, is particularly ugly and stinking of deep rooted malevolence to spite the very kindred spirit of Kashmiryat.

So next time you get this uncontrollable urge to have a dump of your shitty sentiments of self inflicted victimhood, I suggest you roll your misplaced notions into a tampon and shove it up where the sun doesn’t shine, and spare us all the stench of your bilious harangue.

It’s really hard to have any regards for you

Asif Amin Tibet Baqual

Published by Greater Kashmir | Kashmir Monitor | Kashmir Life

©Harf’e Zaraf 2016. Unauthorized use and /or duplication of the writings without express and written permission from this site’s author and owner is strictly prohibited.